I’ve been absent from everything, including my life. This last 18 months have been some of the most difficult, challenging and heartbreaking. In February of 2016, my mother informed me that she was certain that she had breast cancer, like her mother and sister. Neither of them survived their diagnoses, or subsequent treatments. Fast forward 20 years, this left my mother feeling hopeless and frightened I imagine, as she also informed us that she wasn’t going to get medical intervention. We lived with this ticking timebomb, watching, waiting, as death crept in, and finally claimed her a few days before her 70th, birthday. So many emotions overwhelmed me, my father, and my brother..the prevailing one being anger. Anger at her for giving up. Anger at her for not fighting. Anger at her for choosing an agonising death. Anger at her for leaving us. We are all so scarred from this, everyday we miss her, we feel the emptiness, and for all of us there is an anger mixed into all this grief.
In the midst of this, my marriage finally concluded. It was nearly 20 years of emotional, verbal, and eventually even physical abuse. 20 years, done. Concluded through the courts. However, it’s still not done, as he’s not actually paid me out, and is living on the other side of the world now, so I’m in a sort of limbo.
I’m also preparing for a major move. I’m looking forward this move, living out of boxes seems to compound all of these feelings and emotions.
In all of this I found myself retreating, farther and farther away from anything resembling life. I am still struggling from day to day, healing my grief, healing my heart, healing my self.
Creativity, has really been a very welcomed friend to escape into, and explore some feelings, and cradle my heart from time. As I’ve been putting the peices back together, I rememberd that I’ve got a blog, and I should probably get back to posting. Please bear with me as I try and get and get back on track here. I’ve got a few things to share…